main apne sar par hath rakh kar
kasam khata hu ki main jo kuchh
bhi kahunga sach kahunga
sach ke siwa kuchh nahi kahunga
lekin main jab bhi kisi se kuchh kehne jata hu
to wo log mujhe bol dete hai stop that stop that

meri baate sunke dekho hasna nahi
use juth mankar kahi fasna nahi
main sab sach kehta hu aapki kasam
maine piya nahi whisky bear ya rum
madhuri dixir mili raste me
khaye chane hamne saste me
usne kaha tere sang shadi rachau
ghar tere aake main parathe pakau
madhuri ko kaha mere ghar na aana
shridevi ko bol diya na baba na
chahe dahej me de mujhe sone ki car
ya aake koi de de mujhe hiro ka haar
par shadi ke liye main to abhi kachcha hu
abhi sau saal ka chhota bachcha hu
mere daddu pehne dypar chashme par unke vyper
daddy ki tute haddi jab khele wo kabaddi
maine everest pe football khela hai
dono hathose train ko dhakela hai
kusti me dhara singh mera chela hai
mere ghodo ka chandpe tabela hai

dhiru beiman lage aaye cycile
chay pi gaye to dena pada mujhe bill
harshad mehta mila mujhe mandir ke dwar
paach rupaye mange usne mujhse udhar
blank cheque dekhke maine sigh kar di
harshad ne usmese suitcase kharidi
ab income pe koi tax nahi hoga
aur sau ke note pe mera photo hoga
rishwat compulsary karne bada abhiyan hoga
sab mantriyo ka dress chaddy baniyan hoga
neta jo chunav haara sar mundwayega sara
jo dega jhutha bhashan na milega use rashan
gharwali milegi sabko gungi
pulice pehnenge ab sirf lungi
doctor mofat me operation karenge
sarkari karmachari ab kaam karenge

andhe ne kaha chalo film dekhe
langada bola nahi aaja chalo football sikhe
ganja puchhe kaha gaya mera kangha
lule ne mara mukka to hua danga
supari khake budha maare pichkari
andhe ne dekh use ek ankh mari
gunga bina sur tal gane laga gan
suna behre ne sun ke band kiye apne kan
tabhi ek ting ped se giraye nariyal
ab se jyada bachchowalo ko ho jayengi jail
pagal bhi chess khele cricket khelega pele
miss india rakhe dadhi rambo pehnega sadi
budhdhe hone pe sabki hight ghategi
shudh hawa pe sarkar tax rakhegi
chhote bono pe paiso ki bel khilegi
pyar karne ke liye permit milegi

aa raha hai mera ek picture naya
bachchan hai villan meri heroine jaya
subhash ghai ne jab mujhe sign kiya
sath baithke hum donone wine piya
jacky chan ko sikhayi maine fight action
mere gano ko churaye mikal jection
actor nahi main cricketar bhi hu
main to kapil se badhiya hard heater bhi hu
tabhi ghabra kar gumblingne shout kiya
jab sachin ko maine bold out kiya
main aur ratan tata jab lene gaye aata
chakki pe baithe tyson sabko bech raha tha besan
pt usha ne mujhe drinker colder diya tha
jab olympic ki daud me maine gold liya tha
ek jyotish ne jab mera hath dekha tha
na hoga koi mere jaisa aisa kaha tha
meri baate sunke dekho hasna sahi
use juth mankar kahi fasna nahi
main sab sach kehta hu aapki kasam
maine piya nahi whisky bear ya rum
stop that stop that, stop that stop that
stop that stop that, stop that stop that

Upon my head, I swear an oath,
To speak the truth, and nothing but, forthwith.
But when I try to speak my mind,
They cry, "Stop that! Stop that, you're unkind!"

Don't laugh at my tales, I implore,
Don't be ensnared by what you ignore.
I speak the truth, I swear it's so,
I've never touched whiskey, beer, or rum, you know.

Madhuri Dixit met me on the way,
We ate chickpeas cheap, that very day.
She offered marriage, promised to come,
And cook parathas within my home.
I told Madhuri, "Don't you dare,"
And to Sridevi, "No, I can't compare."
Though gold necklaces or diamonds gleam,
For marriage, I'm just a babe, it would seem.
A hundred years is the age I'll be,
A small, small child, you see.
My granddad wears diapers, glasses on his eyes,
Dad's bones were broken in a Kabaddi prize.

I played football on Everest's peak,
With both my hands, I moved the train, so bleak.
Dara Singh, my disciple in the ring,
My horses graze on the moon, you see them swing.

Dhiru, the fraud, on a bicycle did arrive,
Chai we drank, then the bill did I have to strive.
Harshad Mehta met me at the temple's door,
Five rupees he begged, and asked for more.
I signed a blank check, did what he did say,
Harshad bought a suitcase, come what may.
No tax on income, will it be?
A hundred-rupee note, with me for all to see.
Bribery compulsory, an immense campaign,
All ministers' attire, just shorts and chain.
The losers of election, will shave their heads bare,
Those who lie in speeches, no ration will they share.
Every wife will be mute now, it seems,
The police will wear only lungis, it gleams.
Doctors will operate, free of all cost,
Government employees shall work, no one lost.

The blind man said, "Let's watch a film, you see,"
The lame man said, "No, let's learn football, agree."
The bald man asked, "Where is my comb, so fine?"
The cripple punched, and a riot did entwine.
The old man spat betel, the essence of the chew,
The blind man saw him, with one eye's view.
The mute began singing, without a melody's trace,
The deaf man, hearing it, covered his face.
Then, a coconut fell from a tree's embrace,
Too many children, they'll be jailed, no chase.
The mad will play chess and cricket, a Pele parade,
Miss India will sport a beard, Rambo will wear a sari arrayed.
As we age, our height will start to shrink,
Fresh air itself, the government will think.
On dwarfs small, money will bloom and gleam,
To love, you'll need a permit, it would seem.

My new picture's coming, a story untold,
Bachchan the villain, Jaya, the heroine, bold.
Subhash Ghai signed me, with a smile so wide,
We sat and drank wine, side by side.
I taught Jackie Chan, the fight's fierce art,
Michael Jackson stole my music, right from the start.
I am a cricketer, as well, it's true,
Better than Kapil, a hitter, it's what I do.
Gambling, in fear, began to shout in the end,
When I bowled out Sachin, a legend, a friend.
Ratan Tata and I, we went to buy flour,
Tyson sat at the mill, selling the finest besan, hour by hour.
PT Usha gave me a drink so cold,
When in the Olympics, I took the gold.
An astrologer, looked at my hand with care,
Said, "No one like you will ever compare."

Don't laugh at my tales, I implore,
Don't be ensnared by what you ignore.
I speak the truth, I swear it's so,
I've never touched whiskey, beer, or rum, you know.
Stop that! Stop that! Stop that, for woe!